【A Clockwork Orange Porn Parody XXX】

Essentials Week spotlights unexpected items that make our daily lives just a little bit better.

Does being on-camera make you self-conscious?A Clockwork Orange Porn Parody XXX Are you exhausted by online social interactions? Nine months into the pandemic, do you just really fucking hate Zoom calls? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then cosmetic glitter could be right for you!

I’ll be honest: It's 2020 and I feel like shit. My clothes are tight. I never feel clean. The family couch and I have developed an identical, yet unidentifiable smell. Things are dire for me and my self-esteem right now — and unless those vaccines start moving a whole lot faster, things are going to stay dire for a while.

So thank god for those iridescent discs I sometimes glue to my face, the tiny scraps of plastic that have been keeping me together in these difficult, socially distant times.

See a few months ago, during one of my wine-fueled, “existence is futile” shopping sprees, I added a cosmetic glitter set to my Amazon cart. For just $4.99, I bought a set of eight glitters (colors: hot pink, pale pink, light pink, gold, white, purple, silver, and black) with two tubes of adhesive. It was a purchase totally unlike the rest of my makeup collection — which, at that point, had gone almost untouched since mid-May. It was unplanned and not researched. I didn't know what I would do with the glitter, whether I'd like the glitter, why I even wanted the glitter.

Two days later, it arrived and everything grew clear. Pretty, shiny, and irresistibly there, that glitter became an immediate staple in my last-minute, pre-video chat ritual. It was an easy, fun, appropriately ridiculous way for me to signify to people that I was OK but not trying to hide that I was having a hard time. Got acne? Throw glitter on it. Look tired? Throw glitter on it. Have an annoying work meeting? Well, depends on the office, but maybe throw glitter on it!

Here, told in 4 sparkly steps, is how glitter can improve your self-confidence, because if it can work for someone as totally over the apocalypse as me, it can work for anyone.

Step 1: Buy your glitter

When it comes to glitter selection, there are many factors to consider — exactly two of which, price and color, were accounted for in my first glitter purchase. (Turns out, "Cosmetic Chunky Glitter Shimmer Body Face Hair Eye Musical Festival Carnival Dance Halloween Party Beauty Makeup," as my aforementioned product of choice was listed on Amazon, is not yet a household name.)

To make the best glitter selection for you, definitely account for price and color, but also consider the quality of the glitter you are buying in relation to your face and the planet. There are lots of well-reviewed glitters out there, but personally, I'm shelling out for the Trixie Mattel glitters next because she is a queen and I am worth it.

Step 2: Glue your glitter

OK, so the mysterious "glitter glue" that came with my first glitter buy gave me a burning sensation and smelled really, I mean really, strong. So, I do not recommend that particular adhesive method, but I do recommend testing products on your arm before putting them on your face.

As an alternative, I've been using eyelash glue to apply glitter to not only my eyes, but also my face and occasionally lips. It's worked just fine, but NYX has a glitter primer I'd also like to try. Read labels, be smart, don't put anything that smells bad near your sensitive face bits.

Step 3: Get creative

At first, I applied glitter exclusively to my cheeks. (They are hard to mess up, and wow, do I need things to be hard to mess up right now.) But as I've gotten more adventurous, I've tried funky eye patterns and elaborate lip designs. Get in on glitter TikTok and Instagram if you need some inspiration from the likes of British business mavens Go Get Glitter or the makeup artist of Euphoria.

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Step 4: Keep calm and glitter on

OK, I'm warning you: You are going to find glitter everywhere. On your furniture, in your food, coming out of your dog — there will be glitter everywhere. It will make you laugh. It will make you angry. It will be OK, just like all of this will be. Life is messy and weird and fun and awful. Just like glitter.

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